Mass suicide from deadly joke

69 Dead In Apparent Mass Joke Suicide

The Ass Press Posted: 07/17/2012 12:03:11 AM PDT Jonestown, AZ — Reports are just coming in of an apparent mass joke suicide in Jonestown, Arizona. The cult, Room for Improv-ment, whose name comes from an episode of Family Guy, appears to have all died late this evening from a joke that should have never been [...]

Bill Murray party crashing tour

Bill Murray Announces Party Crashing Tour Starting In August

The Ass Press Posted: 07/9/2012 6:00:14 PM PDT New York, NY — Known to crash parties all over the New York City area, Bill Murray will soon be giving the rest of the country the same treatment. It’s unclear the exact parties that he will be attending, but if you live in any of the [...]

Obama auctioning off all marijuana seized since 2008

Obama Auctioning Off All Pot Seized In Drug Raids Since 2008

The Ass Press Posted: 07/7/2012 6:00:52 PM PDT Washington DC — In a move said to raise funds for the war in Afghanistan, President Obama today announced plans to auction off all of the marijuana that has been seized in drug raids since 2008. The auctions are to be held in only the states that [...]

TSA Now Offering Free Gift With Full Body Cavity Searches

TSA Now Offering Free Gift With All Full Body Cavity Searches

The Ass Press Posted: 07/6/2012 6:00:14 AM PDT Arlington, VA — Pressured by citizens outraged with the recent inappropriate actions taken by certain TSA screeners, free gifts will now be made available to anyone receiving a full body cavity search. The TSA believes giving out free gifts will be a great way to improve their [...]

Mitt Romney Leaving The Mormon Religion For Christianity

Mitt Romney Leaving The Mormon Religion For Christianity

The Ass Press Posted: 07/4/2012 4:15:52 PM PDT Provo, UT — Mormons around the world were shocked to learn today that Presidential hopeful Mitt Romney has denounced his lifetime religion of Mormonism and is converting to Christianity. Mitt Romney held a press conference this afternoon and spoke to reporters to explain his actions. “Most of [...]

tom cruise katie holmes 5 year marriage contract details

Details Of The 5-Year Marriage Contract Between Tom Cruise & Katie Holmes

The Ass Press Posted: 06/30/2012 6:05:14 PM PDT Hollywood, CA — Just hours after People magazine revealed that Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are calling it quits after five years of marriage, a source from the law firm that drew up the five year marriage contract has come forward with it’s details. The source at [...]

The Big Lebowski 2: The Dude Goes To Washington

Announced – The Big Lebowski 2: The Dude Goes To Washington

The Ass Press Posted: 06/27/2012 6:00:14 AM PDT Hollywood, CA — Exciting news for Big Lebowski fans everywhere has just been announced. A sequel to the 1998 cult classic is said to begin filming sometime this October. The story centers around Jeff Bridges as Jeff “The Dude” Lebowski and Walter Sobchak who is played by [...]

Joe Arpio speaking about his zombie bath salt task for SALTS

Joe Arpaio Announces New Zombie Bath Salt Task Force Called SALTS

The Ass Press Posted: 06/26/2012 6:00:14 AM PDT Phoenix, AZ — The controversial sheriff in Arizona, Joe Arpaio, is making headlines again. This time it’s not about arresting illegal aliens, or questioning Obama’s birth certificate but stopping a possible bath salt related zombie attack in the state. Arpaio spoke with reporters this morning about his [...]

Michele Leonhart Dea Chief

DEA Chief Dodges More Questions Friday At Her Own Mental Health Screening

The Ass Press Posted: 06/23/2012 7:15:14 AM PDT Washington, DC — Under strict orders by psychiatrists and other health officials worried about DEA Chief Michele Leonhart’s mental health, the Judiciary Subcommittee met again late Friday. This time with questions a little more elementary and straightforward. This all stemmed from Wednesday’s Subcommittee hearing where two congressman, [...]

Mitt Romney Campaign Using "Ron Paul Diversion Vehicles"

Mitt Romney Campaign Using “Ron Paul Diversion Vehicles”

The Ass Press Posted: 06/20/2012 6:00:52 PM PDT Tampa, FL — In shocking news just released this morning, sources say Mitt Romney and his campaign for President are using funds to buy up what is being referred to as “Ron Paul Diversion Vehicles”. The idea is to discredit Ron Paul supporters and make them appear [...]

5 Hour Energy drug called 5HE

New Drug Craze Leaves 3 Teenagers Hospitalized

The Ass Press Posted: 06/10/2012 5:35:14 AM PDT Austin, TX — A new drug called 5HE is putting American teens in the hospital at alarming rates. The recent incident happened Friday to  three students at the Jonestown High School in Austin, Texas. All three students were rushed to Jonestown Memorial Hospital. Doctors say all three [...]

9gag vs reddit vs 4chan

9Gag Suing Reddit For 50 Million Dollars

The Ass Press Posted: 06/07/2012 6:30:14 PM PDT Silicon Valley, CA — The humor website is suing for libel and damages in the amount of $50,000,000. That’s a five with seven zeros attached to it. Joyce Barth, Esq., 9Gag’s head attorney says the lawsuit is definitely winnable. “The Reddit community has been attempting [...]

New Zombie Attack From Bath Salts: Leaves 7 Dead

Gay Zombie Attack In Louisiana From Bath Salts Leaves 7 Dead

The Ass Press Posted: 06/02/2012 11:03:17 AM PDT DeQuincy, Louisiana — Reports are coming in about a new zombie attack that has just occurred, this time happening in a small town in Louisiana. The massacre happened this morning, leaving 7 dead and 6 badly wounded. This all comes just days after the previous zombie attack which [...]

North Carolina: Being Gay Is Now Illegal

North Carolina: First State Making It Illegal To Be Gay

The Ass Press Posted: 05/28/2012 6:00:52 AM PDT Jacksonville NC. — More controversial news is coming out of North Carolina, this time it’s a law making it an actual crime to be gay. The previous weeks saw the state approve an amendment banning gay marriage and now with this new law it makes being gay [...]

Escape from prison using scenes from The Shawshank Redemption

Prisoner Escape Used Scenes From The Shawshank Redemption

The Ass Press Posted: 05/16/2012 6:00:14 AM PDT St. Cloud, MN. — A prison escape in St. Cloud yesterday had all the action and drama of a real movie, and that is maybe because it was actually based on one. Authorities believe escapee 54 year old Paul Horner used scenes directly from The Shawshank Redemption [...]

Obama says more gay stuff

Obama Says More Gay Comments, This Time About Nickelback

The Ass Press Posted: 05/14/2012 6:00:49 AM PDT Washington, D.C. — President Obama made headlines again when he shocked reporters by stating that he enjoys listening to the band Nickelback. These gay comments of his come just days after he announced in an interview with ABC News that he supports gay marriage. While his comment [...]

The Medal of Freedom award presented to Tumblr user for determining Ice Cube's good day in his song It Was A Good Day

Man Who Determined Ice Cube’s “Good Day” Awarded Nation’s Highest Medal

The Associated Press Posted: 05/6/2012 6:00:52 AM PDT Washington, D.C. — Fans of hip hop were in for a surprise Saturday when a user of the popular website Tumblr received one of the United States’ highest civilian honors that a president can award. 82 year old Donovan Strain was given the Presidential Medal of Freedom [...]

Mitt Romney mad about his universe selection as god

Mitt Romney Mad About His Universe Selection As God In The Afterlife

The Ass Press Posted: 05/3/2012 6:30:57 PM PDT Provo, UT — Today the lottery drawing of all lottery drawings was held in Provo, Utah. The Mormon council of elders handed down Mitt Romney’s fate for eternity, and he was not pleased. Romney’s anger centered around a little-known fact about the Mormon religion that is unbeknownst [...]

New presidential campaign called 'Check None Of The Above'

Billionaire’s New Presidential Campaign: Check None Of The Above

The Ass Press Posted: 05/1/2012 6:05:52 PM PDT Austin, TX. — A Texas billionaire is making news by starting his own presidential campaign of sorts. For the past few months Texas native Paul Horner has been hard at work on a campaign that he calls, Check None Of The Above. “What I’m doing is showing [...]

Man Not Guilty in Killing Wife For Sending Him Game Requests on Facebook

Man Not Guilty in Killing Wife Over Too Many Facebook Game Requests

THE ASS PRESS POSTED: 04/25/2012 6:00:57 PM PDT Kabul, Afghanistan — An Afghan man was found not guilty Wednesday by a Tribunal of his elders for the gruesome murder of his wife of 42 years. The man, 54 year old Aasif Zawaydeh, apparently had choked his wife to death, cut her body up and fed it [...]

Pat Robertson is gay.

Televangelist Pat Robertson Tells His Congregation That He’s Gay

THE ASS PRESS POSTED: 04/24/2012 6:00:47 PM PDT Virginia Beach, VA. — In a shocking move, 82 year old televangelist Pat Robertson announced to his followers that he is in fact gay. “I hesitated coming out for a while. I thought god would strike me down if I did. Then when I finally announced the [...]

NTACT and president Obama make waterboarding marijuana user legal

Obama Signs NTACT Into Law: Allows Waterboarding Marijuana Users

The Ass Press Posted: 04/20/2012 6:00:52 PM PDT Washington DC — In a controversial move this morning President Obama made NTACT official and signed it into law. NTACT stands for the National Trees Act and was passed by Congress last week. The bill allows government officials, such as the military and DEA, to waterboard marijuana [...]

Horner Airlines and Mitt Romney team up for Work to Fly program

New ‘Work to Fly’ Program Sponsored by Mitt Romney

The Ass Press Posted: 04/18/2012 6:00:52 PM PDT Boston, MA. — Horner Airlines is proud to announce that it has teamed up with presidential hopeful Mitt Romney in a first of its kind ‘Work to Fly’ program. Paul Horner, president of Horner Airlines, said the program will essentially allow people to fly for free as [...]

Man stops robbery by quoting Pulp Fiction

Local Man Stops Robbery By Quoting Pulp Fiction

The Ass Press Posted: 04/16/2012 07:00:52 AM PDT Jonestown, AZ.— A local man is a hero today after he single-handedly stopped a couple who were attempting to rob a coffee shop. His quick thinking saved the day according to restaurant manager Ted Barkins. “He just started quoting movie lines from Pulp Fiction. The robbers kind [...]

Rick Santorum sexiest republican voted by People

Rick Santorum Voted People’s Sexiest Republican Alive

The Ass Press Posted: 04/7/2012 6:00:52 PM PDT The magazine People is pleased to announce Rick Santorum as this year’s sexiest Republican alive. This is Santorum’s first win as ‘sexiest’ and was chosen from a long list of other Republicans currently serving in office. “I think this is fantastic,” Rick Santorum said this morning at [...]

Trayvon Martin pictures

New Trayvon Martin Photos Emerge

The Ass Press Posted: 04/05/2012 06:00:35 AM PDT Sanford, Fla— New pictures and information, released by Matt Drudge from the Drudge Report, show a completely different side to the Trayvon Martin that we’ve been seeing portrayed by most of the media. “These innocent child hood photos of Trayvon, being shown in the news, are just [...]

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